This post is going to be really honest. Tammy and I have set up a schedule so we blog consistently, and it’s pushing me to write even when I don’t feel like I have anything “inspiring” to say. So instead of aiming for inspirational this time, I’m just going to aim for honest and hope it inspires or encourages some of you anyway.
I’m having a hard week. It’s one of those weeks where everything is coming to a head, and I can feel all the pain around me and inside me, and it’s OVERWHELMING. There’s just so much. So much to walk THROUGH. I’m tempted to go around it, to brush over it, maybe “hide it under a rug”. But I know better.
I’m having my doubts and I’m asking all the hard questions. Pain has a way of doing that. Bringing up those deep questions - the “Why’s”. And I’m holding a lot of things in tension. The things that keep us from making sense of everything. It’s not a very comfortable place to be. I’d rather have all the answers and be able to confidently say, “I’ve figured it out”. But I haven’t.
It’s also one of those weeks where there’s not really any quiet moments or extra time between motherhood and work to sit and process. I desperately want to sort through my thoughts, and I’m trying to bring my pain to Jesus, but the challenge for me is finding space where I’m not totally exhausted and I can actually process through what’s going on inside and around me.
So I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and confused by all the swirling questions and emotions. Yes, I have glimpses of truth, and moments of clarity, but mostly I’m just trying to stand my ground. I know that freedom and hope is found by going through my pain. So that’s what I’m trying to do - but the truth is, I don’t totally even know what that looks like.
Last night I was walking with my boys to the park, they kept talking to me and I insisted that I needed them to just talk to each other and not to me right now, because I needed to have some ‘Jesus time’. And so I started singing, “You are present, You are with me in my pain”. And honestly, that’s about the extent of what I know right now. I know Jesus is with me. He hasn’t left me - He’s present in my pain. And maybe that’s the beauty of the pain, that I get to run to Him and let Him hold me even when so much doesn’t make sense.
I find myself craving for the end to come - when everything is made right. But perhaps even this prayer of mine, for Jesus to come and make everything right is me trying to find my way around the pain, rather than going through it. And the truth is, I’m pretty sure Jesus is longing to keep meeting me right in the middle of it, until together, we’ve passed through to the other side. The end is coming, and in the end everything will be made right.
“If everything is not ok, it’s not the end”.
I think those early days after we lost Tobias, when Jesus’ presence was SO near, and He wrapped us in His goodness and love, were for weeks like this - when it’s hard to see clearly. It’s a reminder to me of what God has done, that He IS good, and that He is with me in this. So even though not a lot makes sense right now - I’m going to choose to trust in Jesus’ goodness, and remember how He met me in those painful moments, and believe that He will keep meeting me, in the middle of my pain. He’s never failed me yet.