You will experience My goodness and My love like you never have before. You will see My faithfulness all over your life. And you will see how very present I am with you.
These words above, may not seem like much. But they are the last words I wrote in my journal on February 12th, 2016 before we lost our son, Tobias Ephraim at 13 weeks pregnant on February 14th, almost one year ago. It was what I felt Papa was saying to me that morning as I sat quietly with him. And I can say with all my heart, that this year certainly was the year that I experienced His love, His goodness, His faithfulness and His very presence like I never have before. It just didn't come how I expected.
I’ve been waiting for time to write, to ponder, to express what’s on my heart in the middle of this beautiful, light-filled, but difficult season in time. Two things are coming up very quickly and very much at the same time, one is the birthday of my “born too soon” and "not with us" son, Tobias Ephraim, and the other is the birth of my 4th beautiful child. What a crazy and yet beautiful thing to hold in tension. I’d be lying if I said the moments inching up to the birth of our fourth haven’t been increasingly difficult, and not just physically, but emotionally.
I feel as though there are these two things inching closer and closer together…one is PAIN, and the other RESTORATION (the giving back of something that's been lost). And it makes me think of the cross. It makes me think of what Jesus must have felt as all the sickness, pain and death of this world was laid across his shoulders and the most RADICAL, healing love this world has ever known CAME and MET that deepest, darkest death face to face, and said, “I AM LOVE”, and breathed His last breath, fully knowing that LIFE was just on the other side, and not just for Him, but for all.
So here I stand. Holding all the PAIN that HAS BEEN, and anticipating all the LOVE that IS BURSTING FORTH. I am about to hold my RESTORATION, the promise of God, the goodness of God, in my arms - the same arms that one year ago were left EMPTY with LOSS. I have been given a beautiful gift - a double portion. And I know that HOPE and JOY are abundantly ahead of me.
Images captured by Tammy Zdunich and Chelsea of Chelsea Klett Photography
Makeup: Kaylee Smisko Makeup Artistry