You know those nights when you aren’t enough. Like you’ve tried so hard to stop being so reactive, or perfectionist, or annoyed, but you did it again.
Tonight is that night. So as I sit with tears running down my cheeks I decided to write. Because sometimes I, yes even I, create a more perfect 'internet life' than it really is.
Tonight it hit me. My humanness. My frailty. I totally messed up a situation where my son was confiding in me and I got annoyed. I don't want to get into details out of respect for him, but I sometimes just want to be alone by 9 pm. And my patience is pretty much used up by then. And I just kinda didn't want to hear what he had to say. Yes. With great embarrassment I write this, but then again ~ haven't you been there too?
To clarify, I wasn’t annoyed at him, I was annoyed that I had nothing inspiring to say. I was just kinda, duh...
I had no advice to offer, and no words of wisdom to share, I was all ‘I can’t talk about this right now’ and ‘what do you want me to say’. Oh my.
What is the point of all this...my many imperfections. The one place I’d like to be super, ‘supermomma’ even, and I croak. Why can’t I just admit it when I have nothing to say. Like maybe, ‘good night dear, I love you and I would encourage you to pray about this. Have a good sleep sweetie’. He just wanted to confess anyhow, and I handled it badly.
This is when I call on my Heavenly Father to come meet him as his mother falls short... Because in our weakness He has made strong. I am in desperate need of His strength tonight.
I’m also a catastrophizer. If you're not familiar with this word, you probably aren't one too :) For instance, because of my reaction tonight, I’m absolutely positive that he’ll never confide in me again. He’s learned that it’s pointless and to just keep everything to himself. Major backfire. forever. and ever. I’ve completely failed. And now the teenage years will be horrendous. - catastrophizer.
I think I need to turn these thoughts around, but how? maybe I’ll write a list…
1. everyone messes up
2. kids are resilient
3. I can talk about this with him in the morning
5. why wasn’t prayer number one?? another fail.
Please humor me, I’m being brutally honest here. And there's no need to be all, 'Tammy you’re doing such a good job, don’t be so hard on yourself.' It’s just that, I know I’m doing a good job overall. I’m okay ya know. I’m not gonna flee in the middle of the night... I just needed to share that I struggle. We all struggle.
And I struggle because my love runs SO DEEP. Because I care SO much. My love for my kids is as natural to me as breathing, and just as essential. So when I do momma mess-ups, I don’t really understand why. How can love stand beside such intense fear? Fear that makes me yell, or cry, or collapse on the couch overwhelmed. When all they need is acceptance and room to make their own mistakes. Their mistakes are not mine, just as their successes are not mine.
These sweet little people who are making decisions and learning from failure. Little's who are not ours, but only borrowed for a time. To know in every moment that our time as a family living together is just so short. We have so much influence and only so much time to earn their trust. And this is why fear comes to me. Because I want to stop time, so I can become balanced and perfect, and be just a tiny bit worthy of these amazing beings that I get to care for.
Time. Often I feel like I live life in a race. All I need is to slow down, slow down mom. Slow down and listen to me, watch me, watch me learn. Don't worry and fear how I learn, just let me.
So tonight I extend grace to myself. And I also extend grace to all of you out there. Thank you for reading this, please accept my grace to you. And please also give me a wink and a smile, saying that you know cause you’ve been there too.